


cowardice

by sunsofmars (sun_fey)



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Injury, M/M, Mental Anguish, Self-Hatred, Self-blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25871581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sun_fey/pseuds/sunsofmars
Summary: natsu had froze up when gray needed him most.
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster (implied)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 50





	cowardice

**Author's Note:**

> vent fic. heed the tags

Natsu slammed his fists against the floor.

_you stupid fucking idiot._

_why are you so useless?_

_he needed you! he needed you, and what did you do? you stood there, like a deer in the headlights!_

_you're a **coward**!_

Natsu shoved his hands over his ears, wanting to drown out the voices. His breathing turned shallow, and his eyes stung.

Even if he didn't want to hear the voices, he knew they were right.

He was a useless coward.

Gray had been going to visit Lyon. Right before he left, he'd pulled Natsu close and smiled at him. One of those relaxed, indulgent smiles that he seemed to only aim at him these days. 

"Hey, Natsu..... when I come back.... do want to hang out, just the two of us? Maybe?" 

The ice mage had suddenly looked a little nervous, a hand rubbing at the back of his head, his cheeks flushed pink. 

Natsu may have been dense, but even this was obvious. 

"Sure thing, Gray! And don't keep me waiting!" Natsu had chirped with a wink, his own face heating up right after it. 

Gray smiled again, this one full of relief and adoration. 

Natsu couldn't help but be giddy and anticipate his return. 

The next day was when everything went to shit. 

Natsu had just entered the guild in the early afternoon, right around the time when Gray was supposed to arrive. He was happy, and had a bright smile on his face as he practically skipped into the building.

That same smile froze on his face as he stopped and surveyed the unfolding scene in front of him. 

Gray was back, all right. But he was on the ground surrounded by his guildmates, blood soaking into his shirt from wounds in his side and chest, and smearing onto the wood floorboards below. There was a trail of the carmine-colored liquid leading from the door to where he'd collapsed. 

Gray was pale, _so pale_ , as he laid there, Wendy trying her best to heal him with tears in her eyes, Erza and Lucy framing his head and Cana on his other side. Everyone else was surrounding them, watching in horror and worry.

Gray's eyes, which had been closed, suddenly popped open, and they were on him, wide and watery. The man let out the saddest and most terrified noise Natsu had ever heard from him, and reached out for him, his hand blood-soaked and shaking. 

Natsu's heart seized in his chest.

Natsu didn't move. 

He wanted to. Wanted to run to Gray's side and hold him, wanted to comfort him and tell him he'd be okay. 

But he couldn't make his legs budge. Actually, he stood so still he thought that Evergreen had taken off her shades and turned him to stone.

His heart was beating faster, too fast, and his lungs were shrinking in his ribcage. The very edges of his vision went dark, and all the noise dulled. 

It was like Natsu had been submerged underwater, and was drowning. He couldn't see. He couldn't hear. He couldn't breathe.

It wasn't until he felt someone roughly shaking him that he resurfaced.

Erza was in front of him, staring at him wildly. Lucy was not far behind her, eyes holding the same look. 

Wendy, Cana, and Gray were gone, nothing but Gray's ruined shirt and a pool of blood left in their wake. 

"Are you alright?" The redhead had asked him, her grip tight on his shoulders, tone concerned. "You weren't answering us for a while." 

Natsu didn't feel her hands. Her voice was still a little muffled in his ears, but he slowly shook his head to her question. 

Her expression changed, eyes softening with understanding. "It's okay, Natsu, if you were scared. We all were." 

"You don't look so hot, bud," Lucy chimed in, peering at him worriedly. She herself looked drained, like she'd aged fifty years in those few terrifying minutes. "Maybe you should go rest."

"...G—" Natsu's throat was tight when he attempted to speak. He cleared it and tried again. "Gray..... need to see him...." his voice was quiet, and cracked on every other word. 

"No one can see him right now, Natsu." Lucy told him, mouth pressed in a thin line, expression grim. "He... was really bad when he came in. Told us someone attacked him on his way home." Her eyes went sad. "Wendy tried her absolute best to help him. Porlyusica came in while you were still.....out of it." 

"We'll let you know if anything... changes. Alright?" Erza spoke to him gently, patting him on the shoulder.

Natsu nodded dazedly, turning around walking back out the door, not stopping until he got home.

Only then did everything come rushing back to him.

Natsu sunk to his knees, buried his face in his hands, and screamed.

Now, Natsu was curled up into a ball, hands clutching uselessly at his head, tears streaming down his cheeks as he tried to block out the taunting whisiers and scathing chants.

_uselesscowarduselesscowarduselesscowarduselesscoward_ —

"Shut up!" Natsu sobbed. "I know, okay?! _I know_!" 

They wouldn't stop. 

Natsu was drowning again.

He woke up the next morning on the floor, cold and aching. He ignored it and headed back out towards the guild, going through the back entrance so no one would see him. 

He got to the infirmary without detection, noting that no one was there currently, except the one person occupying one of the beds.

Gray looked so small and frail in that bed, a breathing mask secured over his nose and mouth, but he looked at peace, possibly more than Natsu had ever seen him before.

Natsu stood in the doorway for a long time, just staring at Gray's still figure, before he forced himself to move and sit down beside the bed. 

Gray had needed his help, had reached for him, and Natsu didn't answer to him.

Now he was here, in this bed, and Natsu had no idea when he would wake up — or even if, but Natsu shoved that thought aside violently.

He wasn't there for Gray when the man had needed him.

But he would be now. No matter how long it took.

**Author's Note:**

> this might be ooc but I needed to vent and Natsu is a comfort/vent character for me 
> 
> original subject matter changed for those who are sensitive


End file.
